The Mall

The previously biggest mall in the world is a hellish place the closer it gets to the holidays. Crowded nose to armpit (depending on your height), tempers flare as people use shopping bags as weapons of mass destruction. Some shoppers display remarkable pitbull tendencies - with heads down they keep their eyes firmly on the prize, they will not be swayed from their intended path. The polite shoppers (Jenny and I) invariably give way or risk having an artery severed by their gnashing canine teeth.

Thursday I boldly sailed forth into the fray with Jenny by my side. This was our first shopping trip together and I knew it would be a good one, when Jenny offered me a drink to start - coffee or alcohol - she didn't care which! I decided against the coffee but left the alcoholic possibility open.

Being a weekday, the mall was relatively quiet, meaning there were less than the usual number of freaks on display. The couple decked out in tight jeans, cowboy boots and hats and sporting matching Garth Brooks shirts caught my eye right off the bat, as did the guy wearing tight tartan pants. Those trousers must be cold weather kin to the kilt as he didn't have any underwear on either.

The mall was not ripe with the smell of desperation that clogs the nose as Christmas relentlessly draws nearer. Jenny and I ventured into the smelly soap stores and could actually appreciate the aromas. However, it readily became apparent when we exceeded the maximum safe limit for soap inhalation when we simultaneously felt soap cloying up the back of our throats as if we had licked the soap bomb rather than sniffed it delicately. We hightailed it out of there, gagging discreetly but laughing nonetheless.

Remember I told you we considered having alcohol? Well, the thought of imbibing won out over more aimless wondering and so for the first time in my life I ended up in a pub in the middle of the afternoon drinking paralyzers! Sigh....another virginity lost.

Jenny used to be a server and I was a gas jockey and so we understand the value of good customer service. We know pleasant and fun customers get better service, and we fully recognize that being eye candy doesn't hurt either. So, between the two of us we had 5 points in our favor. (Yes, I can multiply...2 x 3 does not equal 5...while I am merely pleasant and fun, Jenny has the added benefit of being gorgeous.)

If she's reading this she's going to scoff at that fact - yes FACT, not supposition. So boys and girls, let's take a little side trip here.... there were two people at the table next to us. While waiting for their cheese bread they inexplicably took a little trip to the other side of the room. On the way by the first guy checked Jenny out; a long look covering her from head to toe and, in fact, requiring he look some more back over his shoulder after passing by. They studiously examined the Newcastle Brown Ale sign for a few minutes and then made the long trek back to their table. This time the woman checked out Jenny's obvious charms. I'm not sure if this bothered Jenny, when you're beautiful maybe you get used to everyone checking out your assets.

Pay attention - we're back to the main story thread here - we had the world's worst server. Since she didn't introduce herself, I'll call her Grizelda. She took our order and came back about ten minutes later to assure us Jenny's Strongbow was on its way (like what- it's coming from across town and got held up waiting for a taxi?) and what did I want again? (Further proof that, at least in Griz's eyes, beauty trumps pleasant and fun).

When our drinks finally arrived I slammed mine back while Jenny demurely sipped hers. Grizelda appeared briefly with a plate of wayward cheese bread - the people at the next table ordered it, but as they were examining the Newcastle Brown Ale sign at this time, poor Griz had no idea who it belonged to. We sent her on her way after Jenny ordered another drink for me.

It's a good thing the company was engrossing because Griz didn't reappear until Jenny's pint was gone. Being time pressed (Jenny had a meeting on FRIDAY), we declined further refreshment. What part of "Nothing else for us" doesn't translate into "Bring the damn bill"?

We eventually resorted to throwing money on the table in a blatant attempt to attract her attention. That failed dismally. I asked Jenny to doff her shirt to attract someone's attention - she declined, which of course further delayed the bill.

Summary of my trip to the mall:
Christmas present for First Lobster: $20
Two drinks $13.50
Griz's tip $0
Afternoon laughing with Jenny PRICELESS