Everything I forgot about wearing white uniforms....

A long time ago (well actually 1988-1992) I was in nursing school. And we wore white uniforms... Not because we were making a statement about our purity or taking part in a visibility campaign to show everyone we were nurses, but because a) probably 98% of locally available uniforms were white and b) there was no internet shopping yet (actually there wasn't even Internet for the general public yet). And even if I wanted to access the 2% that were NOT white and available locally, I couldn't afford them. 

The day after I graduated I started wearing hospital scrubs because a) we had to wear them in Labor and Delivery where I worked and b) I didn't have to wash them! We had a choice of white dresses, pink dresses and actual "hospital" greens. Being a newly minted nurse I chose the green ones...did you see what I did there? Mostly because I was sick to absolute death of wearing pantyhose and I have crap body mechanics when bending over. I would much rather have the pens fall out of my pocket from bending at the waist than bend appropriately to prevent anyone from seeing my undies.

At some point after my graduation I packed away 5 and a half of my white uniforms, 5 dresses and one top. I wonder what happened to the white pants...

In honour of nursing week I dug my uniforms out of the basement and decided to wear them, all 5 of them because it's been 24 years since I graduated and they ALL STILL FIT!

And these are the things I forgot and had to relearn after only one day in white...

1. I was not smart enough to pack away a slip to wear under those dresses.

2. You can't buy slips anymore so apparently people no longer care if your underwear shows through.

3. I must have been part of the light side of the force or absolutely scared to death my underwear would show through because every piece of underwear I owned at that time was white. Sometime in the last 24 years I crossed over to the dark side because every piece of underwear I now own is black.

4. I have now become one of the people who don't care if you can see my underwear through my dress.

5. The last time I had pantyhose on was April 25, 1992. That is NOT going to change. However, after a long winter the skin on my calves is white enough to appear to be opaque white pantyhose. Shhh, don't tell anyone.

6. I am a messy eater. Very messy.

7. Ditto with the drinking. I should probably refrain from drinking blue mio coloured water.

8. I wore shorts under my dress because I DON'T DO THIGH RUB......EVER...

9. Even with shorts on, the wind blowing up my dress froze my unmentionable areas. Well, I could mention them because I'm a nurse, but I don't know if you can handle it.

10. I must have spent some time I could have used for studying, doing ironing. I still can't figure out acid-base balance, and now I'm wrinkly too... Perhaps I should have rethought that choice back then...

11. When you never wear a dress and rarely wear white, you turn get a lot of comments when you all of a sudden do both...not all of them were good ones.

12. Unlike when I was in nursing school, I no longer actually care if you felt the need to comment how fat I looked in the white dress. And no, I'm not pregnant.....

13. Not all nurses have hats...stop asking me where mine is.... 

It's FlorenceNightingale's birthday on Thursday May 12. Honour her. Hug a nurse...just wash your hands first....

How do you spell idiot?

I got a new car this fall, the perfect all wheel drive winter sleigh. The weather has been far above seasonal though and this last week is the first time I really got to try it in frigid conditions, down to -30ºC (-42ºC with the windchill). The car is fantastic, traction control is incredible, anti-lock brakes sublime - there's just one little problem....no heat!

I have been whining that it never warms up in the car and it can barely keep up with defrosting the front window, but, you know, what do you expect with a little four cylinder jobbie?

Well, today I fixed my heater. For the three coldest days of the year I have been driving around with the heat selector on medium warm instead of hot!

Obviously in my case you should spell the word IDIOT!!

Listen - you idiot!

I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I'm too dense to listen...

In August I fell off my windsurfing board in chest deep water and broke a bone in my left heel.

After that more or less stopped hurting I bought a new pair of shoes, somehow injured a bone in the middle of my left foot and could barely walk for two weeks.

Went for a massage last night and my RMT freed up all the joints in my foot and I walked out of there as close to pain free as I can remember since July.

Then I went to bed, in bare feet of course... and stepped on a piece of broken beer bottle on my bedroom floor. The glass shard was so deeply embedded I couldn't even see it. I could CERTAINLY feel it though.

What's the universe trying to tell me? Does my left foot signify something? Is it blatantly obvious to the rest of you and I'm just too stupid to see what's really going on?

Plumbers' Crack

Fabbo had a plumber over the other day to install her new dishwasher. As he was kneeling down and crouched over under the counter I can't believe what Fabbo did... she did NOT go look and see if his butt crack was showing. I mean, come on, she's paying this guy and she's not even gonna have a gratituitous look down the back of his pants!! What's wrong with that picture??

Yesterday I had a plumber in my basement, standing in a few inches of water from my failed hot water heater and....I peeked down the stairs for a look.... dammit - his sweat pants were hiked up under his chin. He was the Steve Erkel of Plumbers - no butt skin in sight...sigh.

I can't believe Fabbo didn't look and I got the only plumber in the city who doesn't do crack.

Around Every Corner...

They say around every corner is an adventure waiting for you. I don't know if that's true or not but...
Friday First Lobster and I skipped out of work and went for a motorbike ride in the country near our place.

The road was nice and twisty but really, really crappy. Its a good thing we were going slow because its not very often you round a corner and come face to face with a bison!


That picture's a bit deceiving because the bison is farther away and down in the ditch - believe me - he was a LOT bigger than me! I left the bike running and in gear just in case!

Here's First Lobster's encounter - again - the bison's kind of far away - by no means was he that small!

You Wanna Wear What??

I went to the Fringe Festival twice in the past week - first time for me, not sure what to expect.

What a load of weirdos - and I'm not talking about the performers - they're supposed to be off center.

A random sampling of people we encountered in our wanderings:

Grizzly Adams - young guy about 25 and clean shaven, but wearing canvas pants, hiking boots, a brown leather vest over a bare chest, something that looked like a coonskin cap and carrying a big long walking staff (think Charleton Heston parting the Red Sea). Now - seriously...he had a less than zero chance of picking up either of the hot identical twins I met dressed to the nines and wearing six inch stilettos (Hi Dory!)



An overweight woman wearing a spaghetti strap top and miniskirt, tattered thigh high stockings, garters down to the middle of her thighs and knee high combat boots. Tastefully accessorized with a crown.

Actually combat boots seem to be a common accessory among women - but with pink laces!

About 20 young adults dressed and face painted up like zombies - very disappointingly though - none of them were walking stiff legged with their arms straight out and intoning "Brains". They were too busy talking on their phones and texting. What do you think zombies text to each other? "Just bit a stoner - need chocolate covered brains!"



The "school girl" - in her early thirties wearing the Flashdance off the shoulder shirt and a plaid miniskirt with knee socks. Just looked really, really sleazy to me. Ok - maybe Grizzly Adams has a chance with her - she doesn't appear to have much taste!

Numerous tiaras - everyone wants to be a princess I guess.

Disappointingly I didn't find an entry for the most Inappropriate Shoes

What were Fabbo and I wearing? Well beside the chocolate sauce I spilled down my front....that's a secret. What happens at the Fringe - stays at the Fringe!

In Which I "Sail" the Ocean Blue...

Biff (verb): wipe out, face plant, fall down, chew pavement, go arse over teakettle...

Awesome Boy and I took windsurfing lessons. Not the group lessons designed to “whet your appetite for windsurfing” but 3 hour semi-private lessons. By the end of which you “will be windsurfing”.

The class consisted of Awesome Boy, another kid (Keith) his age and me... Our instructor, Alex probably wasn't old enough to shave and certainly doesn't yet need to wax his chest. He puts the boys on regular boards, giving Keith the minimum size sail and AB the next size up. Me... I get the orthopedic board with “more traction” on the surface to help me get a better grip. In reality it was a heck of a lot wider and I think was supposed to be far more stable than the other ones – who cares – it was built for an overweight, less than flexible oldster and that's what I am.

First off we started on a dry land trainer – the kids get on and do their thing – no problem. Then its my turn to shine – I get on, get started and promptly biff in the sand. Wow, three seconds on a grounded windsurfer and already I've biffed – that's probably the world record for quickest biff.

When we finally get all wetsuited up and into the water I'm about to climb aboard for my first try when I realize I should have a helmet on. I don't have any brain cells to spare – I should probably protect what I have left!

I was the first of the three of us up on the board and consequently the first to biff.

Eventually both Keith and AB are off cutting through the waves and I am standing on the board holding the sail up. I'm not actually windsurfing, I'm more wind drifting.

At one point near the end of the three hour torture session I actually “surfed”. There was a wake coming off the front of my board and I was truly moving! Of course snails move faster than I was but....technically I was windsurfing even if it was more of a "puff of wind crawl"!